Half Baked

I heard it again. And that person argues that we should do everything with our whole heart. Actually, that’s good. I have no bad feelings about it, but it is wrong to belittle those doing things with half-baked feelings. Because it is a certain fact that we cannot do things 100% always and with a burning passion. I might not say this out loud; I am more of a writer than a speaker, but it is quite offending when people belittle and take for granted this half-baked stuff; because I, as a person is almost doing everything half-baked. I am not inspired to paint, to write proposals, think of concepts and do all my stuff. I feel ashamed whenever I am in the church, since I wanted to put inside myself in my room and locked again myself. Yet I do understand that I have to be there.I have to meet my lord, as I contemplate his own suffering in the cross. I have half-baked feelings when I pray, yet I am just clinging that God will still listen, though he really does and still answering all my prayers aside to take this depression and anxiety in me. Everything I do in everyday now is half-baked to include the desire to live. If, if it is a requirement for everything to be at 100%, I am pretty sure I am not qualified. That if I am not 100% into it, I should give up, and if that is how God put our reality to work, I have been long dead since 2010. I might not be inspired always, but at least at many times I have something like “half-baked”; because it is the manifestation of my little hope in every day I am wishing that I am better be dead.Don’t think that I prefer this, I also wish I can do my 100%. But as of now, I only have half-baked feelings, actually more of an apathetic than inspired to move forward. It is difficult to live, when it is only me who have this “trust” a half-baked trust to myself that I can do this and that, and everyone is more concerned about seeing my flaws than the good things I have done.It is so difficult to be positive when reality tells me and makes me feel that people are not seeing my worth, and they hates me because of my mistakes, but I am still sorry if I am doing things this way, and if I am being flawed, insensitive and cannot do things right, it is when I am struggling, hurting and dying inside feeling bad about being half-baked.