Last night, my heart was palpitating and my head was kinda hurt and my body was feeling not feeling really well. Seriously, I am feeling bad, very bad but that was the night again that I thought, I will die. So I was so scared that I wanted to message a lot of people that night, but for sure, that will make me stupid. But a certain thought was playing in my head lately since it has been days since I am feeling that I will not make it longer here, I mean, days or months from now, God will take me and I have to bid my farewell in this life and this feels so serious. So, what was that here it is and take the time to read:

“Thank you for being my inspiration when I am down and my cure when I am upset in the everyday routine I am in now. You are the one that put smiles on me when I fail myself to make me happy, and your existence reminds me that I have to move on and keep moving forward. You are now my strength each time I feel weak; and within my heart, you are the spark of light and hope that clears my thought and heart from the darkness that experiences clouded me. I dream and wish that God will let our fate to meet at each end, and to continue our journey together. I dream to hold your hand and to feel your heart while walking along the road of life; and till death do us part, let my heart stay with you forever.”

I have written this when I thought I have made it. Made it from depression. I was so thankful to a certain person that I have written this, yet because I was so afraid to tell her what I feel because I feel not so ready, I did not drop the words I love you. Silly me. I have loved this person, certainly for 6 years, in silence. Foolish heart. Maybe, I am no longer in love, that I just wanted to inform her that, “Hey, I have written this for you. Yes! You!” I just wanna tell her, before I pass from this life, that I have loved her, for six years, that I have also dreamed at least, in my somehow and what ifs that we could have a forever in this lifetime. Maybe, I wanted to inform her, not because of this reason, I am not really sure, but maybe because, at least, for the longest time that I feel I am not human, she made me fall in love and made my heart have its heartbeats again. Maybe, I still love you and I love you not, but I don’t know why, whenever I am alone and sad, I still feel you here in my heart and my thoughts could not wander to anywhere but only to you.

I have only 14 friends here in this FB, and that includes you. I still have no guts to tell you this, but if ever this feeling of dying is real, maybe I could at least rest partially in peace.